Friday, 14 May 2010

Shia LaBeouf's next "Adoptive Son in Franchise Sequel" role

Today, everyone - OK, not me *weeps implacably into keyboard* - is going to see Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps at the Cannes Film Festival.

<a href="http://www.bing.com/videos/browse?mkt=en-us&from=&vid=04a236f6-d6a8-465d-9306-b28529445840" target="_new" title="&#39;Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps&#39; Trailer">Video: &#39;Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps&#39; Trailer</a>

This got me thinking about the most likely career options now open to Shia LaBeouf. Following his role as a son-manqué in Indiana Jones 4, and now this proxy-son in Wall Street 2, what's the next most likely adoptive-son-in-franchise-sequel role he's going to try? Some suggestions:

Bourne Again, aka The First Bourne: Nicky Parsons comes back into Jason Bourne's life to reveal that she bore him a son (hence all the soul searching in the diner in The Bourne Ultimatum). The son, LaBeouf, just wants to go to the zoo. Bourne's supposed to be killing ageing British actors so he hasn't got time to take him, but LaBeouf is terribly persistent and, of course, Bourne can't kill him to shut him up.

Batman Ends (or maybe Beoufman Begins?): Shia LaBeouf comes to Bruce Wayne's home and reveals himself as his son by Katie Holmes. He wants to know WHAT THE HELL Christian Bale thought he was doing cheating on Holmes with Maggie Gyllenhaal in the second film. It's at this point that Michael Caine steps in and says, 'hang on me old china, aren't you my grandson'? Further meta-narrative chaos ensues as Austin Powers walks on the set as well and reveals that, yes, LaBeouf is his love child by Beyoncé. A witty pre-title song and dance routine breaks out for Austin Powers 4: International Dad of Mystery including all of the above (featuring a hilarious robotics cameo by Christopher Nolan) before the whole thing is brought to a shuddering halt by Matt Damon assassinating Mike Myers at close range with a silenced pistol before telling LaBeouf to hurry up as he's found the penguins.

(etc.)

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